8 Ways to be a Teen Whisperer
Teenagers are the Best!
I seriously could not love working with them more!! In fact, I can’t imagine my life if I didn’t work with teenagers.
I’m a therapist that specializes in treating teenagers. I’m also one of the “Teen Whisperers” of the world. Teen Whisperers are an interesting breed. We look like adults. We sound like adults (most of the time). And yet, somehow, teens come to trust us quickly and easily (gasp!). It’s true. Even YOUR teen might like me. As you might imagine (and can probably read between the lines here), I’m very proud of this fact. I love that teens like me. I love that I can make them laugh. I love that THEY can make ME laugh. And, more than anything, I love that, because they trust me, I can help them when they need it most.
If you have a teen in your life, it might be helpful to know a few of my “secrets” to teen whispering. So this is for you.
Be genuine: Teenagers can smell bullsh*** a mile away. You may THINK you’ve fooled them in those moments when you’re not being genuine, but they’ve got your number. Try your hardest to be transparent.
Be honest: Chances are that you’re likely to catch your teenager in a lie or two. When that happens it sure is frustrating and disappointing. But it’s part of their learning curve and we can help them to be more honest. But each time YOU’RE not honest with THEM, you’re putting another wedge between the two of you. They would much prefer for you to just say it - don’t beat around the bush.
Know things about their life: Their lives are SO different than yours was at the same age. It can be hard to understand or to even have the desire to understand the things that matter to them. After all, what mattered to us as teens seems totally acceptable and logical, while TikTok, YouTube, Instagram, online gaming, etc. are not acceptable or logical - am I right? But by understanding (and respecting) some of the things that are important in their lives, you’re forming a connection with your teen.
Ask the right questions: Teenagers almost never know why they do what they do - especially the really stupid, dangerous or hurtful things. There’s a legitimate reason for that: their frontal lobe isn’t fully developed, so they don’t have the capacity to think through all of the possible consequences. So, don’t bother asking them why. Instead, say things like: “tell me what happened,” “walk me through it,” “how did you feel in that moment?” “how do you think that made the other person feel?”
Be a good listener: If your teen is opening up about ANYTHING, just listen. No need to think ahead and try to come up with a solution. In fact, DON’T DO THAT. Just listen. Ask “what else” when they’re done because they’ll probably say more.
Make it about them: Parenting is tough. You’re worrying about yourself, your child and your family as a whole. So when something happens with your child, it has the potential to affect one or more of those other layers. It isn’t always natural for you to focus solely on your child. But teens are inherently self-centered, which is normal and totally appropriate at their developmental stage. So, whenever possible, you need to make it about them. Trust me. They’ll respond really well when it’s all about them.
Validate: A “wow, that must be really [awful, hard, sad, terrible, frustrating, etc]” goes a long way. Or how about “I can see how [much this hurts, sad you are, that you’re really angry, etc]. We all like to be validated in our feelings. As parents, our jobs are to raise our kids to be productive members of society. But sometimes, we can put that aside and just be there with our kids.
Laugh with them: There is a closeness that naturally happens when we laugh together with someone. Remember back in high school when you had inside jokes with certain friends? Those inside jokes created some special kind of connective tissue between you and that friend. Who says you can’t have that with your teen?!
