Respond Accordingly
Imagine This:
Your teen daughter says to you, “I really need to talk to you. This is important."
So you immediately stop what you’re doing. You sit down with her and give your full, undivided attention (well done, you!!). And as she is prepping to share with you, you’re bracing yourself for any type of crazy, horrible, off the wall kind of thing that she is about to say.
And then she says, “This is really hard for me to say, but I need to be honest with you. I’m really scared and I think I need some help. I’ve been using drugs for a while now, a bunch of different kinds."
You then you burst into tears, intermittently interrupted by several, "how could this have happened?" and "I just can’t believe this is happening! or "This is awful!!"
When you have been trusted with sensitive information, what you do in the following moments is incredibly important! It comes down to this question: Are you a reactor or a responder?
If you’re the parent in the above example, then you did a GREAT job getting ready for that important conversation! I mean, you stopped what you were doing, made sure that you gave them your full attention, and you didn’t interrupt as they were talking. You listened, right? But the minute that the scary truth was shared, that’s where the listening stopped.
SO HERE’S THE DEAL
When your child tells you the important, scary, serious, awful stuff, IF YOU’RE A REACTOR, you’ll be giving them
your full-on emotional experience
The parent above might be thinking: “I mean, c’mon! I just heard that my kid is on drugs … and might need treatment?!!! Are you kidding me? I thought she was going to tell me she wanted to shave off all of her hair! I could’ve handled that. But drugs?! Of course I’m having an emotional reaction!”’
But that emotional reaction may have just lost you the opportunity to give a logical and rational response - which allows the conversation to continue. Instead, your emotions took over. And that means that this really important moment your child chose to share with you has now become
all about you!
Once that happens, you run the risk of no more sharing, no more trusting and no more opportunities to actually hear what your child is trying to say. You might miss out on some really important stuff in that moment or in the future.
So what SHOULD you do when your child is sharing this type of info with you? If you’re feeling super emotional, then you keep your mouth shut! All those thoughts swirling around in your head can stay there - in your head. And all those feelings floating around in your stomach, heart, head or throat can stay there too.
Take a breath.
And keep those emotions at bay.
There will be time later to freak the ‘ F ‘ out.
Consider repeating some type of mantra in your head so that the emotions don’t run the show for you, such as -
“Don’t say it. Don’t say it. For the love of all that’s wonderful in the world Do. Not. Say. It.’’
And when the moment to blurt out crazy emotional stuff has passed, then you move on to the next step - A really great statement that will buy you the time you need to process it all.
So here’s a few ideas to get you started…
Tell me more. I’d like to hear it all.
Thank you so much for trusting me with that.
That must’ve been really hard to share. I’m so glad you told me.
After sharing that, I wonder how you’re doing? That was hard.
That is a lot and I can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now.
That was a lot. I’m gonna take some time to think about all this. Let’s talk again in a bit.
I love you no matter what!
And then you take the time to process.
It’s the processing that allows you to get to a place of response, rather than reaction. Consider these questions when you’re processing.
What do we need to do next?
What does my child need from me right now?
If I were the one saying this to my parent, what would I need?
Your response will be rational, logical, and calm. And then your child’s moment is not about you and your feelings. RESPONDING to your child makes it
about them
As it should be.
