Stay in Your Parenting Lane
You have no idea what you’re doing. From the moment your child enters your world you just do the best that you can, every day.
Sometimes it sucks. But sometimes it’s awesome.
But here’s the deal ... You’ve got to stop competing with and comparing yourself to other parents. And stop judging your child against other children!
Stay in your lane and do what you know.
So how do you do that?
I’m not going to pretend that I know everything. Although, I really do enjoy being right. But as a mental health professional that has worked with children, adolescents and families since 1995, I am an expert in this field. So I have some suggestions for you as you continue along this parenting journey.
Know your family’s values.
What’s good for other families might not be what’s good for yours. And that’s ok! But in order to stay in your own lane, you need to know where your lane is.
Here’s what I mean.
One family may value faith & religion above all else. Their goals are centered on how to keep faith and religion at the center of all that they do. As the outside observer, you might be able to see how beautifully that’s working for them.
Another family may have travel as a priority in their family. So you, as the observer, watch them enjoying lots of family vacations together.
But if you’re busy watching those other families, then that allows for envy to creep into the picture.
Use your family’s values as your guide
Don’t use someone else’s family values as your guide. Identify your own family values! The beautiful thing here is that there are no wrong answers. As long as you’re not hurting yourself or other people, then what works for your family is what’s RIGHT for your family. Comparing your family against other families is unnecessary when you’re focused on your family’s values Here are a few ideas to get you started with brainstorming:
Religion
Kindness/giving back to others
Health & Wellness
Education
Hard work
Happiness
Financial Security
2. Know that your kid is amazing!
Even if they’re totally unique from their peers.
Your child might not excel in what our society has deemed most important - school and sports. But your own absolutely amazing kid has their own special gifts and talents in the world. Maybe it’s kindness, empathy, or creativity. Or maybe it’s anime, animals, and nature. So you go with that, nurture that, and love that!
Here’s a tough fact to swallow …
Parenting isn’t actually about you.
Nope. Even though you put blood, sweat & tears into this whole parenting thing, it still isn’t really about you.
Kids put pressure on themselves every day. It’s even more so now, in the age of social media. They compare themselves to their peers daily, hourly and sometimes minute to minute. And it is rare for them to feel that they measure up. So it’s gonna do even more damage to your child if they’re given the message that their parents’ happiness is centered on their ability to outperform “Billy” or “Susie.” That’s called conditional love. It is so normal for parents to have hopes, dreams, wishes and goals for their kids: do well in school, be kind to others, aspire to great things and secure a great future. But from time to time your kids WILL make mistakes, they WILL let you down, and they WILL disappoint you. And sometimes they’ll do what they want instead of what you want. So keep this in mind:
Boundaries are so important. Have your own interests so that your entire life is not centered on the successes and failures of your children.
Ensure that your kids are enjoying what they’re doing a lot of the time.
Support their path, even if it is different than the one that you had in mind.
Yes, this parenting gig is hard.
You’re doing great.
Remember to stay in your lane and not worry about what other parents or kids are doing.
