Stay in Your Parenting Lane
You have no idea what you’re doing. From the moment your child enters your world you just do the best that you can, every day.
Sometimes it sucks. But sometimes it’s awesome.
But here’s the deal ... You’ve got to stop competing with and comparing yourself to other parents. And stop judging your child against other children!
Stay in your lane and do what you know.
So how do you do that?
I’m not going to pretend that I know everything. Although, I really do enjoy being right. But as a mental health professional that has worked with children, adolescents and families since 1995, I am an expert in this field. So I have some suggestions for you as you continue along this parenting journey.
Know your family’s values.
What’s good for other families might not be what’s good for yours. And that’s ok! But in order to stay in your own lane, you need to know where your lane is.
Here’s what I mean.
One family may value faith & religion above all else. Their goals are centered on how to keep faith and religion at the center of all that they do. As the outside observer, you might be able to see how beautifully that’s working for them.
Another family may have travel as a priority in their family. So you, as the observer, watch them enjoying lots of family vacations together.
But if you’re busy watching those other families, then that allows for envy to creep into the picture.
Use your family’s values as your guide
Don’t use someone else’s family values as your guide. Identify your own family values! The beautiful thing here is that there are no wrong answers. As long as you’re not hurting yourself or other people, then what works for your family is what’s RIGHT for your family. Comparing your family against other families is unnecessary when you’re focused on your family’s values Here are a few ideas to get you started with brainstorming:
Religion
Kindness/giving back to others
Health & Wellness
Education
Hard work
Happiness
Financial Security
2. Know that your kid is amazing!
Even if they’re totally unique from their peers.
Your child might not excel in what our society has deemed most important - school and sports. But your own absolutely amazing kid has their own special gifts and talents in the world. Maybe it’s kindness, empathy, or creativity. Or maybe it’s anime, animals, and nature. So you go with that, nurture that, and love that!
Here’s a tough fact to swallow …
Parenting isn’t actually about you.
Nope. Even though you put blood, sweat & tears into this whole parenting thing, it still isn’t really about you.
Kids put pressure on themselves every day. It’s even more so now, in the age of social media. They compare themselves to their peers daily, hourly and sometimes minute to minute. And it is rare for them to feel that they measure up. So it’s gonna do even more damage to your child if they’re given the message that their parents’ happiness is centered on their ability to outperform “Billy” or “Susie.” That’s called conditional love. It is so normal for parents to have hopes, dreams, wishes and goals for their kids: do well in school, be kind to others, aspire to great things and secure a great future. But from time to time your kids WILL make mistakes, they WILL let you down, and they WILL disappoint you. And sometimes they’ll do what they want instead of what you want. So keep this in mind:
Boundaries are so important. Have your own interests so that your entire life is not centered on the successes and failures of your children.
Ensure that your kids are enjoying what they’re doing a lot of the time.
Support their path, even if it is different than the one that you had in mind.
Yes, this parenting gig is hard.
You’re doing great.
Remember to stay in your lane and not worry about what other parents or kids are doing.
Respond Accordingly
When you have been trusted with sensitive information, what you do in the following moments is incredibly important! It comes down to this question: Are you a reactor or a responder? Check out this blog for more on this.
Imagine This:
Your teen daughter says to you, “I really need to talk to you. This is important."
So you immediately stop what you’re doing. You sit down with her and give your full, undivided attention (well done, you!!). And as she is prepping to share with you, you’re bracing yourself for any type of crazy, horrible, off the wall kind of thing that she is about to say.
And then she says, “This is really hard for me to say, but I need to be honest with you. I’m really scared and I think I need some help. I’ve been using drugs for a while now, a bunch of different kinds."
You then you burst into tears, intermittently interrupted by several, "how could this have happened?" and "I just can’t believe this is happening! or "This is awful!!"
When you have been trusted with sensitive information, what you do in the following moments is incredibly important! It comes down to this question: Are you a reactor or a responder?
If you’re the parent in the above example, then you did a GREAT job getting ready for that important conversation! I mean, you stopped what you were doing, made sure that you gave them your full attention, and you didn’t interrupt as they were talking. You listened, right? But the minute that the scary truth was shared, that’s where the listening stopped.
SO HERE’S THE DEAL
When your child tells you the important, scary, serious, awful stuff, IF YOU’RE A REACTOR, you’ll be giving them
your full-on emotional experience
The parent above might be thinking: “I mean, c’mon! I just heard that my kid is on drugs … and might need treatment?!!! Are you kidding me? I thought she was going to tell me she wanted to shave off all of her hair! I could’ve handled that. But drugs?! Of course I’m having an emotional reaction!”’
But that emotional reaction may have just lost you the opportunity to give a logical and rational response - which allows the conversation to continue. Instead, your emotions took over. And that means that this really important moment your child chose to share with you has now become
all about you!
Once that happens, you run the risk of no more sharing, no more trusting and no more opportunities to actually hear what your child is trying to say. You might miss out on some really important stuff in that moment or in the future.
So what SHOULD you do when your child is sharing this type of info with you? If you’re feeling super emotional, then you keep your mouth shut! All those thoughts swirling around in your head can stay there - in your head. And all those feelings floating around in your stomach, heart, head or throat can stay there too.
Take a breath.
And keep those emotions at bay.
There will be time later to freak the ‘ F ‘ out.
Consider repeating some type of mantra in your head so that the emotions don’t run the show for you, such as -
“Don’t say it. Don’t say it. For the love of all that’s wonderful in the world Do. Not. Say. It.’’
And when the moment to blurt out crazy emotional stuff has passed, then you move on to the next step - A really great statement that will buy you the time you need to process it all.
So here’s a few ideas to get you started…
Tell me more. I’d like to hear it all.
Thank you so much for trusting me with that.
That must’ve been really hard to share. I’m so glad you told me.
After sharing that, I wonder how you’re doing? That was hard.
That is a lot and I can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now.
That was a lot. I’m gonna take some time to think about all this. Let’s talk again in a bit.
I love you no matter what!
And then you take the time to process.
It’s the processing that allows you to get to a place of response, rather than reaction. Consider these questions when you’re processing.
What do we need to do next?
What does my child need from me right now?
If I were the one saying this to my parent, what would I need?
Your response will be rational, logical, and calm. And then your child’s moment is not about you and your feelings. RESPONDING to your child makes it
about them
As it should be.
Thanks for reading my blog.
8 Ways to be a Teen Whisperer
Teenagers are the Best!
I seriously could not love working with them more!! In fact, I can’t imagine my life if I didn’t work with teenagers.
I’m a therapist that specializes in treating teenagers. I’m also one of the “Teen Whisperers” of the world. Teen Whisperers are an interesting breed. We look like adults. We sound like adults (most of the time). And yet, somehow, teens come to trust us quickly and easily (gasp!). It’s true. Even YOUR teen might like me. As you might imagine (and can probably read between the lines here), I’m very proud of this fact. I love that teens like me. I love that I can make them laugh. I love that THEY can make ME laugh. And, more than anything, I love that, because they trust me, I can help them when they need it most.
If you have a teen in your life, it might be helpful to know a few of my “secrets” to teen whispering. So this is for you.
Be genuine: Teenagers can smell bullsh*** a mile away. You may THINK you’ve fooled them in those moments when you’re not being genuine, but they’ve got your number. Try your hardest to be transparent.
Be honest: Chances are that you’re likely to catch your teenager in a lie or two. When that happens it sure is frustrating and disappointing. But it’s part of their learning curve and we can help them to be more honest. But each time YOU’RE not honest with THEM, you’re putting another wedge between the two of you. They would much prefer for you to just say it - don’t beat around the bush.
Know things about their life: Their lives are SO different than yours was at the same age. It can be hard to understand or to even have the desire to understand the things that matter to them. After all, what mattered to us as teens seems totally acceptable and logical, while TikTok, YouTube, Instagram, online gaming, etc. are not acceptable or logical - am I right? But by understanding (and respecting) some of the things that are important in their lives, you’re forming a connection with your teen.
Ask the right questions: Teenagers almost never know why they do what they do - especially the really stupid, dangerous or hurtful things. There’s a legitimate reason for that: their frontal lobe isn’t fully developed, so they don’t have the capacity to think through all of the possible consequences. So, don’t bother asking them why. Instead, say things like: “tell me what happened,” “walk me through it,” “how did you feel in that moment?” “how do you think that made the other person feel?”
Be a good listener: If your teen is opening up about ANYTHING, just listen. No need to think ahead and try to come up with a solution. In fact, DON’T DO THAT. Just listen. Ask “what else” when they’re done because they’ll probably say more.
Make it about them: Parenting is tough. You’re worrying about yourself, your child and your family as a whole. So when something happens with your child, it has the potential to affect one or more of those other layers. It isn’t always natural for you to focus solely on your child. But teens are inherently self-centered, which is normal and totally appropriate at their developmental stage. So, whenever possible, you need to make it about them. Trust me. They’ll respond really well when it’s all about them.
Validate: A “wow, that must be really [awful, hard, sad, terrible, frustrating, etc]” goes a long way. Or how about “I can see how [much this hurts, sad you are, that you’re really angry, etc]. We all like to be validated in our feelings. As parents, our jobs are to raise our kids to be productive members of society. But sometimes, we can put that aside and just be there with our kids.
Laugh with them: There is a closeness that naturally happens when we laugh together with someone. Remember back in high school when you had inside jokes with certain friends? Those inside jokes created some special kind of connective tissue between you and that friend. Who says you can’t have that with your teen?!